Dealing with regret

These days I find myself focusing on something I didn’t do for which I regret now. It was to apply for a certain high-paying and high-stress position that would have saved me some trouble with financial difficulties and gave me an opportunity to live in New York City. 

Now, I find myself stuck at my parent’s home at 30-years old, bickering with my mother and desperately wanting to get out and be free again. 

I know it’s silly to regret something that I didn’t do, since even if I had applied for that position, there’s no guarantee that I would have gotten that job. I also don’t know if I would have been happy in that job, sure, I would have financial abundance, but I might be very stressed out or unhappy with having to work yet another 9-5 job. 

I guess I wanted to see if I could make it out of the 9-5 and work as a freelancer. It’s been almost 1 or 2 years since I’ve been transitioning and I’ve still not really managed to become financially independent on my own. 

But on the other hand I did get into good habits of writing, of meditating and yoga, I saw India, I am learning to take care of my health and diet. I am learning more about becoming aware of my spirituality and intuition. 

If I could go back, I would at least have applied for the position so that I don’t regret it unnecessarily and have to think about the what ifs in the future. It’s better to do and regret than not do and regret. 

I also think I would have pursued my dream while working my 9-5, save up some money, and take it slow and steady to reach my goals eventually.

Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20 right? There’s no way younger me would have known such wisdom and patience at that time. I guess I should be thankful for the lesson and try to make better, more careful decisions in the future.

I also think moving forward I need to trust the divine and accept my destiny for what it is and the past. I need to believe that it was for the higher good of myself and for all. I need to have faith, and I need to make sure that in the future, I don’t waste any opportunities like that. 

Honestly I’m still kind of confused as to what do I want for my future exactly and what kind of life I would like to live. 

I think it’s just a part of my life at the moment, and I can’t change that. But I guess since I already made my decision, I need to continue sticking with my original vision of my dream life and keep believing every day that I made the right decision and put intention and energy towards that.

Today I will make a vision board. I’ve never really made one before, I’ve only done some sketches and written elements I would like to have in my life.  

Also I want to do visualizations with my eyes closed and envision different futures of my life and see how it makes me feel. It will be a fun day today 🙂

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